


It's Only the Rain

by bespokenboy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: High School AU, M/M, Masturbation, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, mild dubcon, top!luhan for the most part, very brief appearance of genderbent characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-05 00:07:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3097595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bespokenboy/pseuds/bespokenboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luhan will make sure that Joonmyun is picked as next year's dance captain on the condition that Joonmyun becomes Luhan's boy toy for the rest of the school year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part i

  
_Craaaaack_.   
  
There is something sickly satisfying in twisting his waist and feeling each vertebrae locking into place, all the way up and down his spine. First thing every morning, Joonmyun does his stretches, starting with his back. He sits up in bed and twists his waist to the left, then to the right. He stretches his arms out in front of his body, over his head, and then from one side to another. The remaining leg stretches bring him out of his bed and onto his floor, and then his day is ready to begin.   
  
Every day is more or less the same. School. Dance practice. Homework. On weekends, he volunteers at the hospital to help out the recreational therapist, especially in the geriatric unit. The old folks love him. Every Sunday afternoon, he tutors some of the neighborhood kids. Their mothers almost always give him muffins or cookies along with his hourly fees, so Joonmyun earns a free snack in addition to his lunch money for the week.   
  
Even though each day is predictable, following a rigidly fixed schedule, there's never a moment of dullness. Joonmyun always finds a way to keep himself busy.   
  
Joonmyun isn't the top student in his class, but he's close. He's quiet though, in a way that makes everyone forget how smart he is. He's the type of student that rarely raises his hand in class, but when the teacher puts him on the spot, he always has exactly the right thing to say. He's not showy about his intelligence, but he has always gotten solid grades, on top of tutoring, volunteering, and dance.   
  
He's fairly well-rounded, but there is one activity that he devotes himself disproportionately to: dance. Perhaps it's foolish that he spends so much time and energy even though he's nowhere close to being the best dancer at school. But Joonmyun has an inextinguishable passion for dance that nobody understands, least of all his parents.   
  
They told him that he would have their full support if Joonmyun wanted to pursue something he would have some measure of success in. But in every performance and competition, Joonmyun is always hidden in the back of the dance team, obscured by those who outshine him. Still, there is nothing Joonmyun would want to trade for the feeling of being onstage with those melting spotlights illuminating the liquid grace in his veins that bring him to life.   
  
He is convinced that dance is something he wants to continue, but all he needs is some way of proving to his parents that it's something worth pursuing. But with the amount of recognition Joonmyun is currently receiving for his dedication, dance seems little more than a masochistic hobby of his.   
  
  
  
  
"Again, but try to look less stupid this time."  
  
Luhan drags his thumb along his phone screen to rewind the track, and the bass intro begins thumping again. He leans against the mirror to observe Joonmyun's continued struggle with the senior dance company's new choreography.   
  
Joonmyun's chest is heaving, and his movements are erratic from the prolonged practice. It's been over an hour since everyone else left the studio, but Joonmyun is still trying to strengthen his grasp on the choreography, and Luhan is still coolly watching him.   
  
The choreography ends with Joonmyun in a crouching position, but he is so exhausted that his thighs tremble, and he collapses on the hardwood.   
  
"Let's call it quits here, that's about as much as I can handle watching," Luhan sighs.   
  
"Lu-ge," Joonmyun rasps. "Was that okay?"  
  
"Could be better."  
  
"Thank you, Lu-ge!"  
  
Coming from Luhan, a remark like that is considered relatively positive. Joonmyun has received far more scathing feedback from the captain.   
  
"Let me show you how to make it better."  
  
Joonmyun's eyes widen at Luhan's generosity. He rarely demonstrates himself, only instructs Joonmyun using esoteric terms that are barely comprehensible to the younger boy. Joonmyun scrambles away on his hands and knees to give Luhan enough space.   
  
He still cannot believe that the captain had chosen Joonmyun, of all people, to devote his extra time to helping. Joonmyun watches in awe as Luhan executes one move after another as easily as breathing. He's an artist, and his body is the canvas. He carves his movements into the air like a sculptor bringing a block of marble to life.   
  
When he stops, the blissful expression slips away, and Luhan returns to being a jaded teenager, exhausted by life and hours of dance practice.   
  
"That was amazing," Joonmyun breathes. "Thank you for teaching me, Lu-ge!"  
  
Luhan towels his forehead and gives an apathetic shrug. "It's only the second week of school. We can't have you falling behind already. It's my job as captain to make sure that everyone stays on par."  
  
He shrugs off his tank top and casts a sideways glance to Joonmyun, who quickly looks down. Luhan smirks to himself because Joonmyun is so easy, so obvious.   
  
"Do you have a ride home?" Luhan asks as he pulls on a long sleeve tee with the words "Senior Dance Company" on the front and "CAPTAIN" lettered on the back.   
  
"I was going to walk home, actually..."  
  
"Pack up quickly, I'll give you a ride home. You live close to Minseok right?"  
  
"Yeah! He always drove me to and from school before he left for college."  
  
"Come on, then. Lock the door behind you."  
  
Luhan leads Joonmyun to his glossy black SUV that blends into the night. The interior of his car smells like Luhan's cologne, and Joonmyun is immediately intoxicated.   
  
"What's the matter, Joonmyun-ah?" Luhan asks a couple minutes later. "You're quiet."  
  
Joonmyun's stomach tingles when he hears the older captain address him so familiarly. "N-nothing. I'm fine."  
  
"I'm your captain and your gege, you can tell me anything."  
  
His voice is rather flat, suggesting that Luhan doesn't really care, and Joonmyun is afraid of saying something that may bore or irritate him. Yet, there's a subtly threatening subtext to Luhan’s words that urges Joonmyun to respond.   
  
"Was I really that bad, Lu-ge?" he asks quietly.   
  
"I'm going to be completely honest with you. The only reason you're on the senior dance company is because the junior company had too many new arrivals. You're the worst on the senior team, and you know that, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah. I know."  
  
For some reason, Joonmyun finds himself relieved instead of intimidated by Luhan's brutal honesty. Still, he is silent like a scolded child as Luhan's words sink in.   
  
"People always underestimate you, don't they, Joonmyun-ah? You're so small and unassuming, it's so easy for you to be overlooked."  
  
Heat starts creeping up Joonmyun's neck, because Luhan's observations are so accurate, it's like Joonmyun is completely transparent to him. He's always, always underestimated. But under Luhan's scrutiny, Joonmyun feels like he is inside a glass case put on display. For the first time, he's being noticed. It's not particularly good attention, but it's attention nonetheless. From someone whom Joonmyun has admired since entering high school, at that.   
  
"Joonmyun-ah," Luhan continues, "you have potential. Your stamina is exceptional, and I can tell that you work hard to improve yourself, even if your results are mediocre."  
  
"Oh. Um, thank you, Lu-ge."  
  
"Which is why we're going to stay after each practice from now on so I can help you improve. Mindless repetitions can only help you so much, you need thoughtful insight. I'm going to give you feedback and help you until you're as good as the other dancers, okay?"  
  
"Yes! Thank you, ge!"  
  
 _Luhan is such a good captain_ , Joonmyun thinks to himself.  _If I was a captain, I would try to be like him and go out of my way to help those who need it the most._  
  
 _He probably thinks I'm a fucking angel_ , Luhan thinks to himself.   
  
Joonmyun isn't as terrible as Luhan has convinced him he is. He made senior dance company on his own merit, not by chance circumstances. Regardless, Joonmyun is the type of person who would automatically view himself as the weakest link, because that's just how self-effacing he is. Maybe even insecure. Not that Luhan would ever use Joonmyun's insecurities to his own advantage, of course.  
  
"My house is coming up—right there, the one with the porch lights on."  
  
Luhan pulls up onto Joonmyun's driveway feeling strangely nervous.   
  
"Thanks for the ride and the extra help, Lu-ge!"  
  
It's now or never.   
  
Scrolling his window down, Luhan calls out, "Joonmyun-ah, come back here for a second."  
  
The younger student pads back over to the SUV and leans down so that they are at eye level.   
  
"What is it, Lu-"  
  
The rest of his question is muffled when Luhan reaches out to grab Joonmyun's collar to pull him closer. And he closes his eyes and kisses him through the window. It's a tight-lipped kiss without any tongue, and it lasts only the briefest of moments, but it's long enough for Luhan to feel his heartbeat pounding in his ears.   
  
He releases Joonmyun and switches into reverse gear, pulling out of the driveway before Joonmyun can say a word. He leaves Joonmyun standing alone in the darkness in shock and confusion. Joonmyun's heart beats so hard that his entire body trembles as he takes one shaky step after another to his front door.   
  
  
  
  
At their next rehearsal, Luhan all but ignores Joonmyun. The only acknowledgement he gives the younger dancer is in the form of brief, impersonal criticism when he tells Joonmyun to move his feet faster, lift his arms higher. Rather than discouraging him, it only spurs Joonmyun to dance with more intensity. Even Yixing notices.   
  
If Joonmyun placed himself at the bottom of the dancers in his grade who are in the senior dance company, he would place Yixing at the top.   
  
Everybody who tries out for the junior dance company makes the cut. It gives every student at their high school interested in dance the opportunity to learn and improve. Among the mass of students who entered the dance program the same year as Joonmyun, Yixing had quickly stood out as a natural. By their second year, Yixing had easily been chosen to be the captain. And now, of course, Yixing is the top contender for the senior position, as soon as Luhan graduates.  
  
Perhaps even more so than Luhan, Yixing is cut out to be a leader. He possesses raw, natural talent, but he's also humble and encouraging. He was firm, but gentle with the junior dance company, managing to strike a perfect balance between discipline and and empathy. However, he doesn't have the same presence as Luhan. He doesn't inspire the way that Luhan does. Luhan's effectiveness as a captain is unique in that he brings out the best in his company because they  _want_  to impress him. He may not be as naturally talented as Yixing, but there's a reason he's been the captain for three consecutive years.   
  
Joonmyun notices all this because he, too, is secretly vying for the captain's position. He doesn't have the innate skill of Yixing or the overwhelming charisma of Luhan, but if he practices a little harder and tries to stand out a little more, he might have a fighting chance.   
  
Halfway through the rehearsal, Luhan powers off the stereo and tells the dancers to take a break. Joonmyun takes the opportunity to corner him.   
  
"Lu-ge, wh-"  
  
"Don't talk about it with anyone. Don't ask questions. You want me to help you, right?" Luhan asks without looking at Joonmyun.   
  
He swallows a few deep gulps of water, but Joonmyun is still silent.   
  
"Well?" Luhan demands, and Joonmyun nods with his eyes fixed on the ground.   
  
He doesn't understand what's going on between Luhan and himself, but he can't turn down the opportunity to improve himself as a dancer. He had the fleeting hope that Luhan might have had feelings for him, but it's clear from the way that Luhan can barely even look at him that Joonmyun was wrong. The kiss meant nothing. Joonmyun is lucky that Luhan even wants to continue giving him extra help.   
  
"Please teach me how to become a better dancer, Lu-ge." He bows in a show of respect to his senior. When he peeks up at Luhan's face, the older dancer is miraculously smiling. It's not much, but it's enough to quiet down Joonmyun's nerves at least a little.   
  
Their extended practice session is as brutal as ever. As Joonmyun makes more mistakes out of exhaustion and lack of concentration, he can feel Luhan's patience stretching thinner and thinner. He tries to focus on the choreography, but all he can think about is Luhan's judgmental stare boring into his body, and it sends him into further panic.   
  
The grueling session is spiked with barbed criticisms and harsh remarks that almost bring Joonmyun to tears. At the end, it is punctuated with a comment that actually makes Joonmyun cry when he replays it in his head later that night.   
  
"Exhaustion is one thing," Luhan says sharply, "but carelessness is unacceptable."  
  
 _Unacceptable_. Luhan thinks of him as unacceptable. It shouldn't matter to Joonmyun what Luhan thinks, but it does.   
  
They are both silent as Luhan drives Joonmyun home after practice. Against all odds and expectations, Luhan calls out for Joonmyun to come back after the younger dancer hops out of the SUV and onto the driveway. This time, Luhan sticks his tongue into Joonmyun's mouth, and suddenly Joonmyun's senses are overloaded with the unfamiliar feeling of tongue against tongue and the cloying scent of cinnamon on Luhan's breath.   
  
Once again, Joonmyun is left reeling when Luhan departs without a word.   
  
It becomes routine. Luhan makes him dance until he can barely stand. He kisses him without affection, and then he leaves him without any explanation or confession. Joonmyun tries not to read into Luhan's actions, but he can't help but dwell. Perhaps Luhan is just overwhelmed with the trials that come with his last year of high school and needs a quick means of stress relief. Joonmyun can understand the feeling of craving human contact but not wanting any emotional strings attached. For that reason, Joonmyun doesn't dislike the kisses. In fact, he starts looking forward to them.   
  
The kisses get more prolonged, more intimate each time. And one night, instead of waiting for Joonmyun to walk around the vehicle for a brief kiss through the window, Luhan stills Joonmyun with a hand on his thigh before the younger even unbuckles his seat belt. He takes his time, nibbling and tugging at Joonmyun's lower lip.   
  
All Luhan wanted was a taste of Joonmyun, just to try the boy out, but now he's addicted and wants  _more_. He can't get enough of the boy. Luhan knows that Joonmyun can't protest without fear of losing his esteem, which could jeopardize Joonmyun's chances of being picked as dance captain.   
  
A hand starts inching down towards the waistband of Joonmyun's sweatpants. Fingers creep into his boxers, and Joonmyun panics—his body reacts before his mind is even aware of what's happening. He hastily unfastens his seatbelt, grabs his backpack, and leaps from the vehicle, slamming the door behind him.   
  
"Damn," Luhan hisses under his breath. "Maybe that was too soon."  
  
He watches to make sure that Joonmyun has safely entered his house and then pulls out of the driveway, feeling uncertain for the first time in a very long time.   
  
"Joonmyun?" his father calls out as soon as Joonmyun takes off his shoes as he enters his home.   
  
"Let the boy shower, he's dripping with sweat," his mother says.   
  
Joonmyun bows stiffly to his parents and hurries to the bathroom. He quickly peels off his clothing, almost tripping over his sweatpants in his haste. As soon as he feels the warm downpour fall on his skin, Joonmyun grips his cock with one hand and throws his other hand against the wall for support.   
  
He starts beating off frantically, erratically, trying to remember the feeling of Luhan's tongue, his lips, his slim fingers. "Lu-ge," he groans as opaque liquid seeps from his fist several minutes later. He watches his semen swirl down the drain and then scrubs himself all over with soap and a washcloth.   
  
"Damn," he whispers as he dries himself with a fluffy, oversized towel. "That was too close."  
  
His parents are waiting for him at the dinner table when he emerges from the bathroom dressed in his pajamas.   
  
"Joonmyun," his mother begins gently. "We just wanted to talk about–"  
  
"Your dance," his father says sternly. "You've been coming home later and later each evening, and we were worried that it's been occupying too much of your time."  
  
"I've been getting extra practice with my captain," Joonmyun explains earnestly. "He's going to help me get better."  
  
His father sighs. "You've been dancing for years now, Joonmyun. We've always supported you, but now you should start thinking about the future."  
  
"I'll keep my grades up, I promise, appa!"  
  
"It's not just grades we're worried about," his mother says. "We know how much you love to dance. We just want to make sure you're prepared for a career that you will be happy and successful in. You spend so much time dancing, but..."  
  
"You've had nothing to show for all your hard work," his father points out bluntly. "Dancing as a hobby is one thing, but if you plan to pursue it as a career, you need to stand out in some way. Very few people make it big in this kind of business."  
  
"We're not saying that you have to be extremely wealthy in order to be a success," his mother adds. "Money can't buy happiness, but financial stability gives you freedom. All you need is a job that will pay you enough that you don't have to make every decision based on how much money is in your bank account."  
  
"You're a patient, hardworking boy. Your mother and I believe in you to make the best decisions for yourself." His father pats Joonmyun on the shoulder and dismisses him.   
  
Joonmyun had never seriously considered pursuing dance as a career, but his parents' words still spur him on nonetheless. He just hates the idea of his parents believing that all the hours spent in the dance studio were a complete waste.   
  
  
  
  
To Luhan's surprise, Joonmyun is waiting for him after their next practice, as usual. He almost starts to apologize for crossing Joonmyun's boundary, but Joonmyun beats him to it.   
  
"I'm sorry, Lu-ge!" He bows his head in contrition. "I shouldn't have run away from you last night. That was rude of me."  
  
"O-oh?"  
  
"It's just that...I was embarrassed."  
  
"And why were you embarrassed, Joonmyun-ah?"  
  
"B-because I had a hard-on," Joonmyun mumbles truthfully. "I didn't want you to know."  
  
"Is that so?" Luhan smirks.   
  
"I like being kissed," he whispers with averted eyes, and Luhan's smile is extinguished. He just likes being kissed? It wasn't because he liked...Luhan?   
  
 _Of course he doesn't like you_ , Luhan reprimands himself silently.  _He's just a lonely teenage boy who doesn't get nearly enough action_. Luhan was foolish for entertaining the thought.   
  
"So I'll take it that you want to continue our practice sessions?" Luhan asks, and Joonmyun nods eagerly. "And I'm guessing that you know what I want, too."  
  
At first, he had wanted Joonmyun. But if he can't have Joonmyun, he'll settle for Joonmyun's body.   
  
Joonmyun had just begun to think of their kisses as Joonmyun's reward for making it through their extended practice. But he now realizes what it actually is. Payment. Kissing Luhan is a price that Joonmyun is more than willing to pay. The kisses, the touches—they all serve as material for Joonmyun's nighttime fantasies. Sometimes he fantasizes that they go further than kissing, but sometimes he just wishes that they could do boyfriend things like cuddling. He doesn't know how Luhan feels beyond his physical desires, but he suspects that Luhan is just very lonely.   
  
Now that their feelings are out in the open, relatively speaking, Joonmyun almost expects Luhan to treat him differently. To be more tender, maybe. But Luhan is just as harsh and unforgiving as ever, because that’s the only way Joonmyun will improve. By the end of the hour, Joonmyun collapses onto his hands and knees, wondering how he is still alive.  
  
“You must really want to get better,” Luhan muses, with something like approval in his voice.  
  
“I...want to be the captain next year,” Joonmyun pants, blinking sweat out of his eyes.  
  
“Is that right? Becoming a better dancer is one thing, but getting picked as captain… You need to be strong, dependable. People need to look up to you and trust you. Those aren’t things that can be developed overnight. It’s especially difficult when half the senior company doesn’t know your name.”  
  
“I know that.”  
  
“And that doesn’t discourage you?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Determination. What a turn on.”  
  
Joonmyun’s face is dead serious, making him look more mature somehow. Luhan finds it thrilling. He grabs a towel to pat Joonmyun’s damp hair and glistening skin, and Joonmyun watches him with wide eyes, surprised by Luhan’s unexpected tenderness.  
  
"You know that Yixing's probably going to be picked as the next team captain, right?" Luhan asks gently. "And that you have no chance in regards to both your talent and popularity?"  
  
Joonmyun frowns, but he nods slowly. Luhan is only voicing the truth hidden deep in Joonmyun's heart. He feels Luhan's cool, slim fingers slide between his own, and his heart jumps involuntarily.   
  
"But right now, I'm the captain," Luhan whispers into his ear. "And I'm going to make you into a captain, if you want."  
  
"I...want..." Joonmyun replies shakily, and Luhan smiles, stretching his pretty, chapped lips.   
  
"Good," he coos, so close that Joonmyun can feel his breath across his cheek. "There's just something I want from you, Joonmyun-ah."  
  
"What is it, Lu-ge?"  
  
"I promise that you'll get voted team captain if you let me fuck you, Joonmyun-ah. I'll make it a landslide if you fuck me."  
  
"W-what?"  
  
Joonmyun tightens his grip around Luhan's fingers instead of letting go, and Luhan takes it as a sign that he's won.   
  
"So, how about it Joonmyun-ah? We should do it right here in the dance studio so we can watch our form in the mirror."  
  
Joonmyun has only the capacity to stutter, "W-will I still be able to dance tomorrow?"  
  
"You worked hard today, Joonmyun-ah. You'll be sore either way," Luhan says sympathetically.   
  
Luhan tosses a couple of towels onto the hardwood to cushion their knees and protect the flooring. He digs a bottle of lube and a foil packet out of his duffle bag and holds it out to Joonmyun with a cocked eyebrow.   
  
"Wait, you were serious?" Joonmyun asks with a nervous giggle. "I don't think I could actually..."  
  
He trails off, and Luhan sighs. "Then take off your pants and get on your hands and knees."  
  
Joonmyun scrambles to obey, tugging off his sweatpants and lowering himself onto the towel-covered floor. Luhan rolls a condom onto his length and slicks his fingers with the lubricant.   
  
"Relax, Joonmyun-ah," he purrs. He plants kisses from the back of Joonmyun's neck all the way down his spine. Joonmyun yelps when he feels Luhan going lower and lower, until he flicks his tongue against his puckered rim.   
  
"Lu-ge!" he squeaks.   
  
"Maybe another day," Luhan chuckles. He rubs his forefinger back and forth across Joonmyun's entrance, until the younger stops tensing his muscles. "Good boy."  
  
For some reason, the simple praise is all Joonmyun needs to completely relax. Luhan stretches him out with one finger, then two, and he reaches around Joonmyun's body to start tugging his cock.   
  
"Do you touch yourself while thinking of me, Joonmyun-ah?" he asks in a singsong voice.   
  
Unable to speak because he is too focused on breathing, Joonmyun just nods. He would feel more mortified by the question if he wasn't already embarrassed by having Luhan's fingers inside of him.   
  
"Do you finger yourself too, Joonmyun-ah?"  
  
Joonmyun shakes his head, and Luhan clucks his tongue. "No wonder you're so damn tight. But that should be okay for now."  
  
He pries his fingers away from Joonmyun's opening and dribbles more lube onto his dilated hole. Luhan encases his own length with a ribbed condom and slicks himself up for good measure.   
  
"This might feel kind of intense," Luhan murmurs as he aligns the tip of his cock to Joonmyun's rim. "How are your knees holding up?"  
  
"F-fine," Joonmyun stammers. But the shakiness in his arms betray his nervousness, and he collapses to his elbows as Luhan nudges in past the initial ring of muscle.   
  
By the time Luhan sinks into him to his hilt, Joonmyun's arms are laying at his sides, and his cheek is mashed against the floor. Only Luhan's firm grip on his hips keep him in place. Every thrust burns through Joonmyun's unaccustomed body, and all he can do is gasp for breath and clutch at the towel beneath their bodies.   
  
He gets lost in the steady rocking of Luhan's hips, deep and slow. The friction of the coarse towel against Joonmyun's sensitive dick rubs him almost raw, and he snakes a hand down to his hips for relief. It takes only a few squeezes before Joonmyun comes to his release, which is so much more intense with Luhan inside him than with just Joonmyun in the shower by himself. His walls convulse around Luhan, whose pace accelerates until he pulls out as he reaches his own release.   
  
Joonmyun collapses flat onto his stomach with a soft grunt, while Luhan continues to hover over him on all fours. The overwhelming sensations ebb away, and Luhan realizes suddenly that Joonmyun had not been very vocal at all. For a few terrifying moments, Luhan wonders about just how one sided their sex had been. Luhan had always had the upper hand in their relationship—if it could be called that—but now he's not sure if he still wants the power to bend Joonmyun to his will.   
  
Luhan rolls the younger boy so that he's laying on his back instead. They're face to face now, but still silent. The way that Joonmyun watches Luhan with a weary, passive look in his eyes makes Luhan's insides seize up with an unfamiliar feeling that pangs of regret.   
  
It's been only a few weeks since Luhan started helping him, but Joonmyun's progress has more than exceeded Luhan's expectations. Partly due to Luhan's rigorous style of teaching, but mostly as a result of Joonmyun's own indomitable will. The more Luhan realizes that Joonmyun doesn't need him, the more he wants him. And so Luhan found ways to make sure that Joonmyun would be dependent on him without even giving the younger boy a choice in the matter. Luhan knew that Joonmyun was desperate for his approval, but he can hardly believe, even now, that Joonmyun would ever go this far for Luhan.   
  
 _I've done such an ugly thing to such a beautiful boy_ , Luhan thinks to himself.   
  
"Lu-ge..." Joonmyun croaks. "Was that okay?"  
  
And suddenly, Luhan is overwhelmed by a surging tide of tenderness for the boy. He places a gentle hand on Joonmyun's flushed cheek.   
  
"You were great, Joonmyun-ah. Are you cold? Let's get you dressed."  
  
"Thank you, Lu-ge." He beams when Luhan gives Joonmyun's hair a fond ruffle.   
  
  
  
  
Joonmyun's heart is still pounding when he crawls into his bathtub later that night. Since there's no school tomorrow, he takes the time to indulge in a bubble bath. He's the only teenage boy he knows that takes bubble baths, but it soothes his soul and his aching muscles. He wishes that Luhan was in the bath with him, tangling their limbs and sharing body heat.   
  
The entire ride home, Joonmyun had stared at the hand Luhan had resting by his side. The older boy always drove one handed, and he would tap the other hand against his thigh or sit on it out of idleness. Joonmyun had stared at Luhan's hand, willing himself to have the courage to touch the hand, or to even hold it.   
  
By the time Luhan pulled into Joonmyun's driveway, Joonmyun had finally mustered the strength to reach out for Luhan's hand. But before he could make a move, Luhan had turned to him with a smile and said, "Good job today, Joonmyun-ah. See you next week!" And then the older boy had left without even a kiss goodbye.   
  
Joonmyun tries not to dwell on it too much. He had been a little disappointed, since he always looks forward to Luhan's kisses. But what they did this evening was much more than kiss, something that Joonmyun had secretly fantasized about but would never dream of initiating. He's too scared to hold Luhan's hand, let alone tell the older boy how he feels about him.   
  
He reaches over the side of the tub for his latest copy of Weekly Shonen Jump, careful not to drop the magazine into the bubbly water. He hums to himself as he soaks in the warm, fragrant bath until the water is only lukewarm and his toes are pruny. And then he towels off, and his Friday night is virtually over. He has the quiet mundanities of the weekend to get through, and then school to look forward to. Especially, dance practice.   
  
At this point, dance has become the most exciting, rewarding activity in Joonmyun's life. Even though he rarely, if ever, gets recognized for it, he still gets an unexplainable kind of satisfaction from dancing. Luhan is a harsh teacher who is brutally honest with his criticism. But occasionally Joonmyun executes a move in a way he knows is as close to perfect as he can get, and Luhan will just fall silent. It's this silent approval that Joonmyun likes more than anything else, even though most people would feel frustrated by Luhan's general inability to voice his support out loud.   
  
He finds it puzzling, even a little disturbing, when Luhan starts showering Joonmyun with praise and words of encouragement. It starts during dance practice when Luhan observes their routine, walking around to examine each dancer's form.   
  
"Very good, Joonmyun," he says as he strolls past. A few nearby dancers look over in surprise because Luhan so rarely gives praise, but also because they weren't even aware that there was a "Joonmyun" in the group.   
  
Afterwards, Luhan is even more vocal during their private lesson. He is generous with his compliments and gentle with his criticism. It's so unlike Luhan, who is normally harsh and blunt. Joonmyun wonders if Luhan is being honest, or if he is being extra nice because he wants something from Joonmyun.   
  
He almost expects to hear the crinkle of a condom wrapper again when Luhan reaches for his duffle bag, but the older boy only zips it shut and slings it over his shoulder. Joonmyun feels dirty for a second.  
  
"Come on, Joonmyun-ah," Luhan says. "It's getting late, we don't want to keep your parents waiting for too long."  
  
Joonmyun warily gathers his belongings and follows Luhan to his SUV. For the entire car ride, Joonmyun internally grapples between continuing to be a coward and being a little less of a coward by reaching out for Luhan's hand. And again, Luhan parks in the driveway before Joonmyun has a chance to initiate contact.   
  
For a few awful moments, Joonmyun and Luhan just sit there, staring at each other. Joonmyun expects Luhan to kiss him or touch him, to do  _anything_  to him, but soon it's clear that Luhan is just waiting for him to leave.   
  
"Ah, good work today," Luhan says awkwardly. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Feeling rejected, Joonmyun thanks him and walks up to his front porch without looking behind. He looks so small and vulnerable carrying his oversized backpack, like he could topple over at the slightest shove. Luhan wonders if Joonmyun has ever been bullied. Sometimes, when Joonmyun is sitting quietly by himself before practice, he looks so sad that Luhan can't help but wonder.   
  
It makes him feel even more guilty for what he had done to Joonmyun. He hopes that Joonmyun didn't agree to the sex just because he felt too powerless to refuse Luhan. At one point, Luhan wanted to give Joonmyun the extra help with the goal of sex in mind. Except now, that's no longer a priority in the slightest. Luhan wants to help Joonmyun because he wants to see the boy with the sad, but gentle eyes fulfill his dream of being recognized as a dancer. And he also wants Joonmyun to genuinely fall in love with him, not just to passively accept Luhan's kisses and touches.  
  
They'll start from square one. Luhan will try to win Joonmyun's heart by being kind to him. He'll stop imposing kisses on Joonmyun until he's sure that his affection is no longer one-sided. He doesn't know whether or not Joonmyun will even reciprocate his feelings, but maybe if Luhan is nice enough to him, Joonmyun will appreciate him as a person, not just as a dance coach. But it's so hard to be so close to Joonmyun and resist the urge to kiss his soft cherry lips.   
  
An entire week passes. Luhan is being kinder—sweet, even. But he hasn't kissed Joonmyun since before they had sex, and it's troublesome. Was it really so bad that Luhan had lost complete interest in Joonmyun? Was he still coaching Joonmyun out of pity? Luhan had once kissed Joonmyun every day, but all of a sudden, the touches and all the kisses had stopped. Joonmyun had almost been sure that Luhan had feelings of some kind for him, if only lust, but it seems now that Luhan has completely lost interest. It hurts.   
  
Joonmyun has this awful, ugly tendency to cry when he gets overwhelmed. He had always been teased about it when he would burst into tears at an age when all the other children had long outgrown the ugly habit. It made it difficult for him to open up to other people and make new friends, because he always felt so self-conscious. In high school especially, Joonmyun would always suspect that people, even those who are nice to him, harbored some form of dislike towards him, no matter how covert.   
  
It's a week before the student choreography showcase, the dance department’s first performance of the school year. They had just made a few last-minute changes to the choreography, changes that Joonmyun is nowhere close to being comfortable with. No matter how much encouragement and instruction Luhan calls out from where he's leaning against the mirrored wall, Joonmyun just can't seem to get it right. It's frustrating, and Joonmyun only barely manages to keep his composure.   
  
"Here, let me show you," Luhan offers, joining Joonmyun in front of the mirror. He shows Joonmyun the proper starting position, and then cleanly executes three fouettés in a row. "Now let's do it together."  
  
Joonmyun raises his arms and shifts his weight to match Luhan's form. Except, he has less control over his ungainly, awkward limbs and does not spin in place like he's supposed to. When he swings his leg around, it sends him spinning towards Luhan's direction, and he somehow kicks the older dancer by accident. Luhan loses his balance and topples over, hitting the floor with a horrible thud.   
  
For Joonmyun, it's the final breaking point. Joonmyun bursts into tears as he rushes to Luhan’s side and sobs, “Are you okay? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”  
  
Luhan hisses under his breath as he gingerly straightens his leg out in front of him. “Joonmyun-ah, can you check to see if the athletic trainer is still in his office? Bring me back an ice pack if he is, please. Also, there are tissues in my duffle bag.”  
  
Sniffing tearfully, Joonmyun scrambles to obey. He dabs his eyes and his nose as he sprints through the hallways to the athletic trainer, who is wrapping the wrist of a tennis player.  
  
“Ice?” Joonmyun squeaks in a panicky voice, and everyone in the office looks at him in alarm.  
  
“If you’re looking for ice packs, they’re over there…” The trainer points to an industrial freezer in the corner of the room, and Joonmyun thanks him with a quick bow. He grabs an ice pack and is out the door before the trainer can even ask him what the matter is.  
  
“Thank you, Joonmyun-ah,” Luhan says as he presses the ice to his ankle. “I don’t think I sprained it, maybe just twisted it a little. Nothing to worry about.”  
  
But Joonmyun starts crying again because it was all his fault. If he hadn’t been so clumsy and lost his balance, Luhan wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place. He feels even more selfish because even though Luhan is the one who got hurt, Joonmyun is the one being comforted.  
  
“Shh, don’t cry,” Luhan murmurs, pulling Joonmyun into his lap. Joonmyun sits between Luhan’s legs, and Luhan wraps a comforting arm around his waist. He dabs Joonmyun’s tears away and whispers, “It’s fine, it was an accident. I’ll be okay, I’ll just need to rest my ankle for a few days.”  
  
“D-do you want me to call an ambulance to take us home?”   
  
“Don’t be silly,” Luhan laughs. “I can still drive.”  
  
He needs to lean on Joonmyun to make it all the way to the parking lot, but Luhan insists to Joonmyun that it was really no big deal and that he can still drive. Nevertheless, Joonmyun feels immensely guilty despite Luhan’s assurances. Luhan doesn’t tell Joonmyun that he had twisted the same ankle a couple years ago, which had made the joint especially vulnerable to injury.  
  
When Joonmyun shows up to rehearsal the next day, Luhan teases him about the dark circles under his eyes. “You didn’t lose any sleep over what happened last night, did you?”  
  
He says it with a gentle lilt in his voice, but Joonmyun shakes his head furiously.   
  
“N-no! Of course not, I’m fine! Are you okay, Lu-ge? I’m still so sorry—”  
  
“Shh, it’s okay, Joonmyun-ah, I’m recovering already. I just wanted to make sure that you’re at one hundred percent, because you’re taking over as team captain while I rest my ankle.”  
  
Joonmyun’s face is a wide open book, and Luhan can read the shock, nervousness, and excitement that pass through his features.  
  
"M-me?" he whispers. "Why not Yixing?"  
  
"I believe in you, Joonmyun," he says simply. "It's just for the next few days. Just lead them through warm ups and take my place in the choreography. Since you were in the back anyways, it won't make much of a difference."  
  
Joonmyun nods hesitantly, but he looks so sallow that Luhan wonders if Joonmyun really had lost sleep out of guilt. It might be too much to place this kind of responsibility on Joonmyun with such short notice, but Luhan thinks that this is the opportunity Joonmyun needs to prove himself to the rest of the team. His skill level had never really stood out, and he isn't the type to automatically assume leadership, especially when he sees himself as inferior to everyone around him. Now, Joonmyun has the chance to show just how far he has come.   
  
The other dancers are reluctant to follow Joonmyun’s leadership at first. Joonmyun would be, too, if he was in their place. He goes through Luhan’s usual warm-up routine, but then he adds a few sets of sit-ups just for extra core training. The rest of the company hesitates, not willing to go out of their way to exert unnecessary effort at Joonmyun’s command.   
  
“Come on guys,” Yixing says encouragingly as he sits down and folds his hands behind his head. The rest of the group follows suit after Yixing begins doing sit-ups.  
  
It’s what Luhan was afraid of. Joonmyun looks even more unsure when he realizes that the others would listen to Yixing, but not him, even when Joonmyun is the one taking over as captain. When Joonmyun glances over nervously at him, Luhan gives him a small smile and two thumbs up. It’s relieving to see Joonmyun smile back genuinely, visibly more confident after Luhan’s quiet encouragement.  
  
Joonmyun speaks more clearly, holds himself straighter after that. He takes Luhan’s place in their group routines, and Luhan can see that many of the other dancers are surprised by how easily Joonmyun assumes the role of captain despite the bumpy warm-ups. He even gives valuable insight when the smaller subunits and solo performers practice their routines.   
  
“Joonmyun really stepped up to the plate today,” Yixing tells him after practice is over. “I was surprised.”  
  
“I think a lot of us were,” Luhan agrees.  
  
As always, Joonmyun waits until the rest of the senior dance company has left and the two of them are the only ones who remain in the studio.   
  
"Do you need a ride home, Joonmyun?" Luhan inquires gently as he stands up and swings his duffle bag over his shoulder.   
  
"What?" Joonmyun asks softly.   
  
"You did well today! I don't think you even need the extra coaching anymore, I'll take you straight home from now on if you want."  
  
Luhan had planned on ending their current student-teacher relationship and starting all over again by asking him for a real date. He falters when Joonmyun starts slowly approaching him with a dangerous, unreadable look in his eyes. Even though Joonmyun is smaller, younger, and more fragile than him, something stirs in Luhan's belly that almost feels like fear.   
  
Joonmyun is not the confrontational type, but all of his confusion, frustration, and insecurity suddenly burst forth as anger.   
  
"You fucking asshole," Joonmyun hisses, grabbing fistfuls of Luhan's shirt.   
  
"W-what's the matter, Joonmyun-ah?"   
  
The violent change in Joonmyun's gentle disposition is alarming and arousing all at once. But it leaves Luhan bewildered as he wonders what Joonmyun had gotten so upset about.   
  
"I feel so fucking  _used_ ," Joonmyun says, sounding close to tears.   
  
Luhan's stomach drops. This is what he had been most afraid of.   
  
"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have... Look, I won't come near you again, I promise."  
  
His words only seem to agitate Joonmyun even more.   
  
"Why won't you touch me? Why won't you kiss me?" Joonmyun growls. His eyes are shining, dark and wild. "And now you don't even want to be around me anymore? Why are you so mean to me?"  
  
He lets go of one hand to rub his tears away with his knuckle, leaving a crumply patch of fabric on Luhan's shirt. Luhan begins to understand.   
  
"Joonmyun-ah," Luhan says carefully, sliding his hands around Joonmyun's hips and pulling him in closer. "I want you to take all your anger out on me. Fuck me until you feel better. Okay, baby?"  
  
"Lu-ge?" Joonmyun asks hesitantly.   
  
"I want you so much, Joonmyun-ah," he sighs. "Come here and give me a kiss."  
  
He closes his eyes and parts his lips expectantly, and soon he feels Joonmyun's warm mouth on top of his. He lets Joonmyun take control, and the younger boy pushes his tongue into Luhan's mouth until it feels like Joonmyun is aiming to shove his tongue down Luhan's throat.   
  
"You're so good at this," Luhan murmurs against his lips in encouragement.   
  
"Why are you being so nice to me," Joonmyun huffs in irritation, pulling Luhan down onto the hardwood. "It's weird."  
  
"Because I love you, Joonmyun-ah," Luhan hums.   
  
"Weird," Joonmyun mutters again.   
  
"Do you want to prep me, or do you want to watch me do it myself?" He starts pushing his jeans and boxers down with an inviting smirk. "Well?"  
  
"I'll do it," Joonmyun grumbles in response.   
  
"You know where the lube is."  
  
While Joonmyun undresses and slicks himself with lube from Luhan's bag, Luhan gets on all fours, folding his clothes to cushion his knees and spreading a few towels on the floor.   
  
"I'm ready, Joonmyun-ah," he calls out.  
  
He prepares himself for the burn of penetration. Instead, he feels kisses along his spine and soft hands cradling his hips. He flinches when Joonmyun's fingers press into a patch of bruises from his fall the night before.   
  
"Wow, you really know what you're doing, don't you?" Luhan laughs nervously.   
  
"Sorry," Joonmyun says, but Luhan can't tell whether or not he really means it.   
  
Something cold and wet nudges at Luhan's rim, and he exhales, willing himself to relax. Joonmyun pushes a fingertip in cautiously, carefully, agonizingly slow, and Luhan remembers all of a sudden just how inexperienced he is.   
  
"You're trying really hard, aren't you?" Luhan asks, and it must come off as a taunt because Joonmyun tightens his grip on Luhan's waist and pushes another finger in without warning. "There we go," Luhan breathes.   
  
Even though Luhan is the one on his hands and knees, he still hasn't exactly given up control. He manipulates Joonmyun through his underhanded remarks, provoking a more aggressive, assertive side of the younger boy. It's what Joonmyun needs to release his pent-up frustration, and it's exactly what Luhan wants from him.   
  
"You must be really angry with me," Luhan grunts when Joonmyun starts thrusting his cock deep into the older boy.   
  
Joonmyun is quiet, just like the first time they had sex. Nothing is heard except for the slapping of skin against skin, Joonmyun's soft puffs of breath, and Luhan's muted moans. Even though Joonmyun has little experience, he makes up for it with his enthusiasm and intensity. Luhan wonders if Joonmyun will tire out soon at his current pace, but then he remembers that the younger boy has easily the most stamina out of the entire dance team.   
  
Although he can't see his face, Luhan imagines that serious look of concentration Joonmyun wears when he's dancing. Those dark, slightly narrowed eyes. His stern, pink little mouth. Tension in his brow from both anger and the effort of fucking Luhan.   
  
Joonmyun's hips snap more quickly and more erratically as he pounds relentlessly into Luhan from behind, closing in on his release. He lacks finesse, but Luhan can't deny that it feels good.   
  
"Mmhhff!" Joonmyun's moan is muffled by Luhan's shoulder as he clamps his mouth onto Luhan's skin, his hips stuttering to a halt.   
  
"Who taught you how to do that?" Luhan pants as Joonmyun collapses bonelessly onto his back. Luhan tilts sideways so that Joonmyun crumples onto the floor.   
  
"You didn't put on a condom," Luhan clucks in feigned disapproval, as he wipes himself and Joonmyun's softening cock. "And you left me hard. You've got a lot to learn, Joonmyun-ah."  
  
"Sorry," Joonmyun mumbles, but his voice turns into a squeak when he feels the familiar sensation of Luhan's fingertip tracing his rim.   
  
The lower half of his body is still lightly throbbing, and he automatically clenches around the finger Luhan inserts into him. "Relax, Joonmyun-ah, I don't want to hurt you," Luhan whispers.   
  
He turns Joonmyun onto his side to spoon him from behind, opening him up with one hand and gently caressing Joonmyun's face with the other hand. Joonmyun whimpers when Luhan guides his cock into Joonmyun's slick entrance. He starts squirming when Luhan reaches an arm around to fondle his hypersensitive cock. Every touch makes Joonmyun feel like he's about to explode, and he begs half-heartedly for Luhan to stop.   
  
"You don't really mean that now, do you?" Luhan asks, squeezing a tight ring of fingers around the base of Joonmyun's erection. Joonmyun shakes his head furiously, but Luhan doesn't let go, just allows the tension to build under his fingertips.   
  
Joonmyun is deliciously tight, so it doesn't take long for Luhan to thrust his way to his climax. By then, Joonmyun is a sobbing mess, overstimulated and prohibited from his own release. His hips twitch as he tries to jerk himself off in Luhan's hand, but the older boy has too firm of a grip to do so. Joonmyun sniffles and lets out a little whine of distress, so Luhan finally decides to take pity on him.   
  
"You've already cum once, are you sure you want to do it again?" he teases, and Joonmyun nods his head. "I might let you, if you ask really nicely."  
  
"P-please," Joonmyun manages to stammer out through his hiccups. "Lu-ge."  
  
"Fine, then."  
  
Luhan loosens his grip to leisurely stroke the younger boy's entire length, and Joonmyun's second climax crashes down like an avalanche—violently and without warning.   
  
"I really wish we were somewhere more comfortable, don't you?" Luhan sighs. "My ribs hurt."  
  
Joonmyun is unable to respond, still recovering from the intensity of his orgasm. His heart beats fast and thickly, every thump audible to his own ears. He feels an echoing throb pounding in the lower half of his body. Luhan rolls him over so that they're facing each other again. Joonmyun's face is shiny and wet, and his eyelashes cling together with tears.   
  
Luhan kisses him tenderly on the mouth as he wipes the dampness away from Joonmyun's face. "You did well, Joonmyun-ah," he whispers, combing his fingers through Joonmyun's hair and pushing the strands away from his forehead.   
  
Finally, Joonmyun finds his voice. "You've said a lot of mean things to me, but this is the meanest thing you've ever done."  
  
"You don't really mean that, Joonmyun-ah," Luhan says with a warm, put-on smile. Insecurity starts rising from the back of his throat.   
  
"I do."   
  
"Then leave."   
  
His words blatantly contradict his actions, because Luhan just gathers Joonmyun closer to his body, holding onto him tighter. He hooks a leg around Joonmyun's waist and runs a hand up and down the younger boy's back, feeling the desire to touch every inch of Joonmyun's skin. Miraculously, Joonmyun accepts his touch, melting into Luhan's body and wrapping a small hand around Luhan's wrist.   
  
"Are you getting cold, Joonmyun-ah?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Let me get you something to wear."  
  
"No," Joonmyun repeats stubbornly, clinging onto Luhan's waist when the older boy tries to stand up. Since it's Joonmyun, Luhan has no choice but to give in.   
  
"We'll do it somewhere more comfortable next time," he promises, and Joonmyun grunts softly in assent.


	2. part ii

  
  
There can't be any more misunderstandings between them, Luhan wants to make sure of that. He realizes now that Joonmyun thought Luhan just wanted him for sex and was willing to discard him that easily. But the reality is just the opposite.   
  
Aside from dance practice, Luhan rarely crosses paths with Joonmyun at school. They have no mutual classes and no reason to seek each other out. Luhan knows that Joonmyun sits by himself at lunch and does his homework quietly while his classmates chat and socialize. He has never approached the younger boy, but he wishes now that he would have done so earlier.   
  
Joonmyun is sitting at the end of an empty table, his thin legs crossed and a pencil tucked behind his ear as he scrutinizes a textbook. He almost jumps out of his seat when he hears a gentle, musical voice directly behind him.   
  
"Joonmyun-ah," Luhan beams. "Is this seat taken?"  
  
He takes Joonmyun's shrug as permission and slides onto the bench so close to Joonmyun that their thighs are touching.   
  
"What do you want, Lu-ge?" Joonmyun asks warily.   
  
"You looked lonely, I thought you might want some company."  
  
"Why are you here. Really."   
  
During school hours, they exist in completely separate spheres that never come into contact with each other. Joonmyun doesn't know why Luhan wants to reach out to him all of a sudden.   
  
"I wanted to give you this."  
  
Luhan pulls a small, crumpled daisy out of his pocket and places it in front of Joonmyun, who just frowns at it.   
  
"Isn't it pretty?" Luhan asks. "It's almost as pretty as you."  
  
He plucks the pencil from behind Joonmyun's ear and replaces it with the daisy.   
  
"Much better," Luhan coos. "A flower for a flower."  
  
"Lu-ge," Joonmyun mumbles. "Please stop."  
  
"Stop what, Joonmyun-ah?"  
  
"Whatever it is that you're doing. Being so nice to me."  
  
"Why should I stop being nice to you?"   
  
"Because I'll start to think you like me, or something."  
  
"But I do like you, Joonmyun-ah! I went outside and picked a flower for you, dumbass."  
  
For some reason, this seems to make Joonmyun smile.   
  
"Accept my fucking heart already," Luhan says, pretending to scowl.   
  
"Fine."  
  
Luhan grins and puts his hand on top of Joonmyun's, stroking the back of the younger boy’s hand with his thumb. Joonmyun's heart jumps, because it's somehow more intimate than anything they've ever done together.   
  
"Joonmyun-ah, I have an idea," Luhan says, resting his chin on the younger boy's shoulder. "Let's go to the mall."  
  
"When?"  
  
"Right now, silly."  
  
"But what about class?"   
  
Luhan laughs. "I should have expected that you would pick school over your boyfriend."  
  
"I never said that."  
  
"So you'll come with me then?"  
  
The word "boyfriend" is making Joonmyun's stomach feel tingly in a pleasant kind of way, and he finds himself saying, "Fine."  
  
  
  
  
"Are you sure this is okay?" Joonmyun whispers as they sneak through the school parking lot.   
  
"The school security system is so shitty, nobody's going to notice us," Luhan reassures him. "Ah, here we are."  
  
They stop in front of a homely silver minivan, the kind of vehicle that middle-aged women drive to their kids' soccer matches.   
  
"I got another speeding ticket last night," Luhan explains sheepishly, unlocking the door for Joonmyun. "So I have to drive my mom's car as punishment."  
  
"For how long?"  
  
"Just until I can last a whole month without getting another ticket."  
  
Joonmyun laughs, until he realizes that Luhan is being completely serious. "But you never go that far above the speed limit when you're driving me, Lu-ge."  
  
"That's because I have to keep my Joonmyun-ah safe."  
  
He should be more concerned about Luhan's questionable driving habits, but Joonmyun instead fights to hide a smug smile.   
  
"Did you eat lunch, Joonmyun-ah?" Luhan asks as he backs into a parking space when they arrive at the mall. "You weren't eating when I found you at the cafeteria, had you finished your food already?"  
  
"N-no..."  
  
"Why not? Lunchtime is for eating, silly, not for doing homework."  
  
"Somebody stole my lunch," Joonmyun mumbles.   
  
"What?" Luhan turns to stare at him. "Why didn't you say anything?"  
  
"It happens now and then, I'm kind of used to it by now."  
  
Luhan's heart clenches when he thinks about how many times Joonmyun might have gone hungry all day but still showed up to dance, persevering through Luhan's extended practice on an empty stomach. No wonder Joonmyun seemed especially exhausted on some days.   
  
He reaches for Joonmyun's hand and links their fingers together.   
  
"Come on, we're going straight to the food court. You can order whatever you like, Joonmyun-ah."  
  
The younger boy paces the perimeter of the entire food court, carefully considering each option. He asks for a bowl of jajjangmyun, and Luhan orders the same for himself. Joonmyun raises a judgmental eyebrow because Luhan had already eaten, and the older boy ends up arguing that boys are supposed to eat lots of food to grow taller.   
  
"Maybe that's why you're so shrimpy, Joonmyun-ah," he teases, "because you don't get enough to eat."  
  
"You're not that tall yourself," Joonmyun grumbles. His cranky expression softens into contentment when he starts shoveling noodles into his mouth.   
  
Luhan watches him fondly without touching his own food. When Joonmyun polishes off his bowl, he peeks over at Luhan's steaming jajjangmyun, and Luhan pushes his bowl towards the younger boy without a word.   
  
"Are you sure?" Joonmyun asks, hesitantly eyeing the noodles.   
  
"I wasn't really that hungry, anyways," Luhan says firmly, placing the bowl in Joonmyun's hands. "Do me a favor and make sure this food doesn't go to waste."  
  
"If you insist..."  
  
Joonmyun finishes the entire second bowl within minutes and yawns, soft and sleepy from stuffing his face. He folds his hands on the table and rests his chin on them, mumbling a quiet, "Thanks, Lu-ge."  
  
"I'm going to go to the bathroom, can you wait for me here, Joonmyun-ah?" The younger boy nods, and Luhan reaches across the table to ruffle his hair. "I'll be right back."  
  
His eyes are drooping as he watches Luhan wave at him before slipping into the food court bathroom.   
  
After he checks his hair in the mirror, Luhan returns to find Joonmyun fast asleep with his head cushioned in his folded arms. He decides to let Joonmyun nap for a few minutes and to surprise him with bubble tea. The bubble tea stall is no longer in the food court, but on the second level all the way on the opposite end of the mall. For some reason, the line for bubble tea is longer than usual. One of the machines had been malfunctioning, so the drinks are taking much longer to prepare. Nonetheless, Luhan decides to wait since he had walked so far already. Joonmyun had been dozing like a baby, and Luhan wants to see the look of joy on the younger boy’s face when he presents him with the bubble tea.  
  
Joonmyun awakens to someone roughly shaking him by the shoulder.  
  
"Beat it kid, this isn't a daycare," a janitor tells him as he wipes the table with a rag. "Go take your nap somewhere else."  
  
His heart pounds from the sudden, violent awakening, and he blinks his bleary eyes to clear his vision. He staggers, disoriented, when he tries to stand up. The food court had been fairly crowded when they were eating, but it's almost empty now. He feels dread pooling in his stomach as he wonders how long Luhan had been gone and if he would come back at all.   
  
Maybe it was some cruel joke, bringing Joonmyun out here just to abandon him. He wouldn't put it past Luhan. He had always had fear simmering beneath the surface—paranoid thoughts that Luhan didn't actually like him, that the older boy always had some ulterior motive in mind. Now that fear is boiling, bubbling as Joonmyun shuffles away from the glaring janitor.   
  
He tries to calm himself down, taking deep breaths and trying to look rationally at the situation. His phone is in his backpack, which is still in the minivan, so Joonmyun doesn't actually know how much time has transpired. Maybe Luhan is still in the mall somewhere, maybe Joonmyun can still find him.   
  
Joonmyun has always had difficulty saying "no." He wanders the mall and salespeople hand him flyers and advertisements for clothing discounts and free massages. A tall girl with long, honey blonde hair and thick, mascara-coated eyelashes corners Joonmyun and hands him a mini-cupcake. She smiles at him, and there's no way he can refuse.   
  
"Well, what do you think?" she asks, batting her eyelashes expectantly.   
  
"It's really good!" Joonmyun says after gobbling down the entire cupcake in one bite.   
  
The girl beams and offers, "Have some more!"  
  
She holds out her tray of samples to him, and Joonmyun graciously takes several mini-cupcakes. The girl is wearing a pink, ruffled apron with "The Cupcake Factory" embroidered in sky blue thread across her chest. Fastened just above the logo is a badge that displays her name, "Kristina."  
  
"Thank you, Kristina," Joonmyun says, bowing in gratitude. "These are so delicious."  
  
"Let me show you the real thing, then!" Before he has a chance to decline, Kristina wraps her long fingers around Joonmyun's wrist and drags him over to a bright pink kiosk with multicolored cupcakes on display in glass cases.   
  
Sitting on a stool next to the kiosk is a dark haired girl with an apron that matches Kristina's. She perks up when she sees Kristina returning with Joonmyun in tow.   
  
"We've got a customer, Chanyeola!" Kristina calls out.   
  
Chanyeola hops off her stool and leans down to poke Joonmyun's cheek. "Awww, look how cute this one is," she coos.   
  
"Chanyeola!" Kristina hisses. "You can't just poke a customer in the cheek!"  
  
"I'm not actually a customer, sorry," Joonmyun apologizes, feeling his face grow warm from all the attention. “I don’t have any money with me.”  
  
"Are you here with your umma, little boy?" Chanyeola asks earnestly, blinking at Joonmyun with wide, brown eyes.   
  
"N-no! I came here with a date...who might have left, I don't know..." he trails off as his gaze falls to the ground.   
  
The two girls look at each other for a moment and then squeal, "Awwwww!!!" in unison as they both wrap their arms around Joonmyun.   
  
"It's okay, little boy," Chanyeola croons into Joonmyun's hair. "You can have all the cupcakes you want until your umma or appa comes to pick you up. Do you need to borrow a phone?"  
  
"No," someone answers for Joonmyun.   
  
They turn around to find Luhan carrying two jumbo-sized bubble teas, looking agitated.   
  
"Where the fuck have you been?" Luhan asks. "You weren't at the table when I came back for you, I looked everywhere for you!"  
  
The girls tighten their arms protectively around Joonmyun who snaps, "You said that you were just going to the bathroom! I fell asleep and then I woke up and I was all alone!"  
  
"I went to buy bubble tea."  
  
"Leave him alone!" Kristina snarls. "What the hell is your problem?"  
  
"I don't even like bubble tea," Joonmyun sniffs.   
  
Luhan sets the bubble teas down on Chanyeola's empty stool and snakes his arm around Joonmyun's waist to yank him away from the two girls. He grabs Joonmyun roughly by the wrist, completely unlike the way Kristina had held his wrist just a few minutes ago, and Joonmyun cries out in pain.   
  
"You're hurting me, Lu-ge!"   
  
The older boy freezes immediately, and his heart sinks when Joonmyun looks up at him, his face crumpled in distress. He looks absolutely miserable, and searing guilt floods Luhan's body. Luhan hates seeing Joonmyun hurt, hates that he was the cause of Joonmyun looking that way. It's not a face Joonmyun should ever have to wear.   
  
He loosens his grip and gathers Joonmyun close to his body in a hug. "I'm...I'm sorry, Joonmyun-ah....please forgive me," he says shakily.   
  
The younger boy's head is pressed to Luhan's chest, and he isn't saying anything, so Luhan cards his fingers through Joonmyun's hair and tilts his head back. The kicked puppy look is gone, replaced by a sharper, flintier expression.   
  
"Say something, Joonmyun-ah. Do you forgive me?"   
  
To his surprise, Joonmyun scoffs darkly, "You're so gullible."  
  
The guilt surging through Luhan's body is dampened by confusion. "What do you mean, Joonmyun-ah? Are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you."  
  
He brings Joonmyun's wrist to his lips to kiss it and massage it with his thumbs. "Lu-ge," Joonmyun mumbles, "I'm fine, let's go."  
  
Heat rises in Joonmyun's cheeks as Luhan coddles him in front of the bewildered girls. He had pretended to be hurt in order to get back at Luhan for leaving him without a word, but now he's embarrassed by how Luhan is acting in front of the cooler, older girls.   
  
Luhan glances back as Joonmyun drags him away. "Keep the bubble teas!" he calls over his shoulder.   
  
They visit a clothing store at Luhan's insistence. Joonmyun refuses to try on any clothes, even though Luhan offers to pay for them, so Luhan just ends up looking for clothes for himself. Joonmyun sits outside of Luhan's fitting room, mindlessly playing a logic game on Luhan's phone as he waits for the older boy to try his new clothing on.   
  
A store attendant asks Joonmyun if he needs a fitting room, but he just shakes his head. Luhan peeks out of his own fitting room and says, "Joonmyun-ah, would you mind coming in here with me so I can show you my new outfit?" He sees the surprised-looking store attendant and explains, "I'm too shy to come outside."  
  
"What are you doing," Joonmyun grunts when Luhan pulls him into his lap as soon as he enters the cramped space. In the fitting room, there is only a tiny bench, a mirror, and a translucent curtain separating them from the rest of the store. Joonmyun can see the outlines of people as they pass by.   
  
"Hugging you, Joonmyun-ah." Luhan rests his chin on Joonmyun's shoulder and kisses his neck.   
  
"Just show me your outfit and let me go. I'm feeling kind of claustrophobic in here."  
  
"Okay, I'll make it quick, I promise."  
  
"Wait, w-what are you doing!"  
  
He squirms when he feels Luhan's fingers at the waistband of his pants, unbuttoning them and unzipping the fly.   
  
"Is that why you called me in here?" Joonmyun whispers, trying not to whimper when Luhan slips his fingers into his boxers.   
  
"I couldn't resist, I just wanted some alone time with my boyfriend. You look cute when you're grumpy. May I?" Luhan asks, brushing his thumb across the tip of Joonmyun's cock.   
  
“Make it quick,” Joonmyun whimpers. Luhan sneaks a hand up his shirt and goes straight for his nipple. The younger boy inhales sharply and muffles another whimper by biting down on his lip.   
  
“Do you like that, Joonmyun-ah?” Luhan teases, rolling the stiff, tender flesh between his thumb and forefinger. He halts his fingers when Joonmyun doesn’t respond. Thrumming with arousal and the need to be touched, Joonmyun nods begrudgingly.  
  
“I do, Lu-ge,” he breathes. He turns his head, seeking Luhan's lips. Any irritation Joonmyun might have held, feigned or otherwise, melts away as Luhan traces his tongue across Joonmyun's lips and flicks his nipples with his thumb.   
  
Luhan eases Joonmyun off his lap, and the younger boy lets out a little whine in complaint. Luhan hushes him and kneels, pulling Joonmyun's pants and underwear down to his ankles. He smiles up at Joonmyun and guides his cock into his mouth. Joonmyun glances uneasily at the curtain, hoping that nobody is waiting outside. The hem of the curtain is short enough that Joonmyun's feet and Luhan's knees would be visible any passersby.   
  
Sliding his tongue around the tip of Joonmyun's cock, Luhan holds Joonmyun's length in place with one hand and fondles the younger boy's balls with his other hand. Joonmyun's back is pressed flat against the wall, but he can barely stay upright as Luhan slurps and sucks with obscene noises that only Joonmyun can hear. Joonmyun grabs onto Luhan's shoulders when he feels himself on the verge of release. His raw, undisciplined libido doesn't allow him to hold on for any longer, and he spills into Luhan's throat. His knees buckle, and Luhan's hands fly out to pin him against the wall by his hips.   
  
Joonmyun shudders and gasps for breath while Luhan presses kisses up his thighs. He helps Joonmyun pull his pants back on and guides him onto the tiny bench.   
  
"Oh! I almost forgot! What do you think of this outfit, Joonmyun-ah?" he asks, examining himself in the mirror.   
  
"Looks nice."  
  
"You didn't even look," Luhan pouts. "And your eyes are closed right now!"  
  
"You're wearing a red leather jacket, a black tank top, and red jeans," Joonmyun says with his eyes still closed, his head resting against the wall. "And it all looks very nice."  
  
Luhan is unconvinced. "Do you really mean that, or are you just saying it?"  
  
Peeking at him with one eye, Joonmyun admits, "Maybe not the red jeans. Try black instead."  
  
"I knew I could trust you, Joonmyun-ah!" Luhan beams. "Now keep your eyes closed while I change my pants," he says in a rare bout of modesty.   
  
Of course, Joonmyun chooses at this point to open his eyes and watch Luhan.   
  
"Lu-ge, what's that on your leg?"  
  
"What did I just tell you about not looking! And it's a compression sleeve."  
  
"Are you still hurt?" Joonmyun asks seriously.   
  
"I'm fine, don't worry about me," Luhan promises.   
  
The younger boy warily eyes the black sleeve wrapped around Luhan's ankle. He reaches out to hold onto Luhan's hand.   
  
"I'm really sorry, Lu-ge, I didn't mean to hurt you–"  
  
"Of course you didn't, Joonmyun-ah. And don't be sorry, it wasn't your fault. I'll be okay."  
  
"Are you going to be able to perform this Saturday?"  
  
"I have to." Luhan's eyes shine with determination. "Recruiters from a performance arts institute will be attending the student choreography showcase. It'll be like an audition of sorts!"  
  
Joonmyun stands up to hug him from behind, softly kissing his neck.   
  
"Good luck, Lu-ge. I believe in you."  
  
  
  
  
The night of the showcase, Luhan turns nervous pirouettes backstage as he warms up, minutes before the opening performance. Joonmyun had taken over as captain the entire week so that Luhan's ankle would have time to heal, but the joint is still swollen and inflamed. He doesn't tell anyone. He just clenches his jaw and puts up with the pain, even though his ankle feels like it could collapse at any moment even with the compression sleeve on. This audition is just that important to him.   
  
It's his only chance. The performing arts institute offers full scholarships to local students, so this would be the only opportunity he would have to pursue a higher education. Otherwise, Luhan would have to take over the family grocery store like his father had done and his father's father before him. Dance is the only thing that has ever truly mattered to him, and his parents know it, which is why they've allowed him to take this chance.   
  
He almost loses his balance, staggering away from his spin. Joonmyun is immediately beside him, supporting him by the elbow.   
  
"I always thought that I would be the one watching out for you," Luhan laughs. "Older kids are supposed to take care of younger ones, right? If I don't watch out, you'll end up taking care of me."  
  
Joonmyun understands Luhan's determination, his desperation. Just like his own parents, Luhan's parents had created an ultimatum. Dance is all or nothing for both of them. With Luhan, however, the stakes are even higher. If Joonmyun fails to convince his parents that dance is something worth continuing, he would be only be giving up one of his passions. If Luhan fails to gain acceptance into the performing arts institute, he would essentially be giving up the freedom to control his own path of life.   
  
A million thoughts race through Joonmyun’s mind as he thinks about tonight’s performance and the consequences of what this showcase might mean. So Joonmyun is quiet as he nervously tucks and untucks the hem of Luhan's shirt into his jeans.   
  
"Joonmyun-ah, I think we decided that we would leave our shirts untucked for the first set," Luhan reminds him, gently bringing Joonmyun back into the present moment.   
  
"Ah, okay. Right."  
  
"Are you nervous?"  
  
"What if I make a mistake," Joonmyun whispers. "What if it reflects badly on you–"  
  
"I know it's a lot harder than it sounds, but just try to have fun, okay? You've done so well with the added pressure of being a stand-in leader this week. You were the only one I trusted enough to take over for me, and I trust that you'll do your best tonight, too."  
  
It's always been a guessing game with Luhan, but this is one of the few times he has been completely sincere to Joonmyun. And it means so much to Joonmyun that Luhan can say something like that and truly mean it. It's a little overwhelming, the way that Luhan smiles at Joonmyun like he's the best thing he's ever seen. Luhan's fingers slip between his, and Joonmyun almost chokes on his breath because the simple gesture is just so incredibly, unexpectedly sweet.   
  
"We're onstage in five minutes, okay?" Luhan murmurs against Joonmyun's forehead. "Make sure you're warmed up. Don't worry too much."  
  
Joonmyun nods, reluctantly letting go of Luhan's fingers when the older boy tries to pull away. He admires Luhan for staying calm in such a high pressure situation. Even though Luhan has the most at stake in tonight's performance, he betrays no sign of anxiety. It amazes Joonmyun so much every time he realizes just how professional Luhan is already.   
  
Adrenaline courses through his veins as he steps onstage. There are so many things to think about all at once: remembering the steps to the choreography, staying in rhythm, staying in sync with the other dancers—in this case, everyone in the dance department. When the music starts thumping harder and louder than his heartbeat, static buzz fills Joonmyun's mind. His anxieties are forgotten, and he moves purely by muscle memory.   
  
Before he knows it, the audience is bursting into applause, and slim fingers are wrapping around his wrist to lead him offstage. If Luhan hadn't dragged him off, Joonmyun would have stayed onstage forever, entranced by the feeling of a successful performance. He had been too dazzled to even notice that his parents had entered the audience and were cheering for him from the front row.   
  
Lips against Joonmyun's ear tell him that he needs to change for his next set and that it's so lovely to see him smile. Joonmyun can't stop smiling.   
  
He watches from the wings as the other dancers take the stage. The showcase is a collaboration between the senior and junior dance companies. Most of the performances feature members from the senior company, but there are a few junior members who perform their own choreography, as well.   
  
The captain of the junior dance company, Kim Jongin, is one of the few in both companies who performs a solo stage. Even though he's a few years younger than Luhan, his potential is already manifesting itself. And since he can choreograph, a skill that Joonmyun hasn't mastered yet, Jongin could be a strong contender for senior dance captain if he chooses to move up the following year. It's rare that a dancer is elected captain before they've even entered the company, but it's possible. Luhan did it.   
  
Watching the other performances, Joonmyun can't help but feel a resurgence of many of his old insecurities. Jongin is an exceptional example, but there are so many other dancers that are younger than Joonmyun, but more skilled and more confident already.There can’t have been a worse time for Joonmyun to start questioning his adequacy again. He isn’t a natural, not the way that Luhan, Yixing, and Jongin are. And he can’t even choreograph, a skill that’s expected from the leader of a dance team. All Joonmyun has is his hard work, but sometimes hard work isn’t enough. His crippling insecurities paralyze every muscle in his body, and when Luhan rests his hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder, he can feel how taut Joonmyun is with tension.   
  
“Are you alright, Joonmyun-ah?” Luhan asks worriedly. “We’re on standby, our duet is up next.”  
  
If it wasn’t for Luhan, Joonmyun wouldn’t have had the opportunity for his hard work to amount to anything. He would never have had the courage to step up to a leadership position, nor to perform onstage with just one other person. It’s Luhan who gave him a chance and exposed him to the spotlight. And it still makes Joonmyun’s stomach flutter when Luhan presses their foreheads together.   
  
“I’m great, Lu-ge!” he says with a brave smile, his heart swelling with excitement and gratitude. He swallows his nervousness and squeezes Luhan’s hands. “Let’s do this!”  
  
It’s like Joonmyun is having an outer body experience. It’s the first time he has captured the attention of an entire audience without being hidden by a stage full of other dancers. Their set is only a couple minutes long, but time seems to thin out as he dances alongside Luhan. The auditorium bursts into applause, and Joonmyun glances down, his chest heaving. He sees his parents in the front row, and they’re cheering for him harder than he has ever seen the soft spoken couple cheer before. Joonmyun beams so hugely that his cheeks start to strain and twitch, but he grins even wider when he looks over at Luhan, whose eyes are shining with pride.   
  
Luhan grabs his hand and they bow together, then run offstage hand-in-hand. He kisses him right there, in front of everyone in the dance department waiting backstage.  
  
“I’m so proud of you, Joonmyun-ah,” he babbles, “you were so great, that was the best you’ve ever performed, I can’t believe it, you are so, so amazing, my Joonmyun-ah!”  
  
Joonmyun lets out an embarrassingly breathy giggle when Luhan envelops him in a tight squeeze. “Lu-ge,” he groans, “You have your solo stage in a few minutes. How’s your ankle doing?”  
  
“You worry way too much about me,” Luhan accuses teasingly. “Are you my mother, Joonmyun-ah?”  
  
Instead of responding, Joonmyun just looks at him with a grumpy pout. Luhan laughs and kisses him on the forehead. “I’ll be fine,” he assures him. “Thank you for caring about me.”   
  
All too soon, it is time for Luhan to peel himself away from Joonmyun’s arms. Joonmyun gives Luhan’s hand one last squeeze for good luck. He watches from the left wing of the stage as Luhan strolls out to the center. Joonmyun holds his breath and waits for the music to begin. He feels much more nervous than Luhan looks.  
  
Even from this angle, Luhan's performance is breathtaking. He's wearing the black and red outfit that Joonmyun helped him pick out. His black skinny jeans are so tight that Joonmyun should be able to see the outline of Luhan's compression sleeve, but he doesn't. He tears his eyes away from the stage and glances over at Luhan's pile of discarded clothing. On the very top of the pile is the black ankle support that the dancer had removed, probably for the sake of greater mobility.   
  
Joonmyun looks back over at the stage. In that moment, Luhan's back is turned to the audience, and Joonmyun can see the shadows of a grimace cast across his features. He's hiding his pain, and Joonmyun knows it. Luhan turns to face the audience before turning a seemingly endless series of fouettés—his specialty. Joonmyun's stomach plummets and his heart nearly stops beating when he sees Luhan's ankle roll.   
  
All of a sudden, there is a sickening thud as Luhan loses his balance and collapses onto the stage floor. The whole auditorium is dead silent: the music stops, the entire audience holds its breath. Joonmyun's mind is blank with panic, but his body moves automatically, bringing him to where Luhan is sprawled on the ground, his limbs bent at unnatural angles.   
  
He kneels down next to Luhan and holds his hand, not sure of what to do. Luhan's eyes remain closed; he had probably been knocked unconscious from the fall. His skin is pale and grayish, and it suddenly strikes Joonmyun how exhausted Luhan has looked these past few days. He doesn't know how long he crouches by Luhan's side, but it's long enough for the ambulance to arrive.   
  
Luhan is carried away on a stretcher, and Joonmyun finally realizes that his chest is shuddering and his face is dripping with tears.   
  
Joonmyun sits quietly in the back seat as his parents chatter away during their car ride home. The fiery adrenaline coursing through his body has cooled, leaving him numb with disbelief.   
  
"You did a great job today!" his mother says. "You didn't tell us that you had your own little duet with the team captain. I'm so glad your father suggested that we should come watch."  
  
"It was appa's idea?" Joonmyun asks, looking over at his father, who nods.   
  
"It was a great performance, son," his father says. "It's a shame that your friend fell at the end. Is he going to be okay?"  
  
"Y-yeah. I hope. He was already performing injured, but tonight was his audition for the performance arts institute."  
  
"I hope he gets better, then!" his mother says. "I didn't know that dance could be this...intense. But we're proud of you, Joonmyun. You've worked hard this semester, and it shows."  
  
In some ways, it's all that Joonmyun needed to hear.  
  
  
  
  
The next morning, Joonmyun receives a text message from Luhan.   
  
 _Just got out of surgery. Come visit? 20th room on the 4th floor._  
  
Joonmyun's heart sinks when he realizes how serious Luhan's injury had been. Still, he tries to stay as cheerful as he can, for Luhan's sake.   
  
 _I'll be there as soon as I can!_  
  
Before looking for Luhan's room, Joonmyun stops by the recreational therapist's office, where he reports every Saturday morning for his volunteer assignments. He knocks on the door, calling out, "Hyung, are you in there?"  
  
He's greeted by Kim Jonghyun, the hospital's recreational therapist. "Of course I am, Joonmyun-ssi! We've got a lot of work today, are you ready?"  
  
"Is it okay if I visit one of my friends first? He's on the fourth floor, recovering from surgery. I'll come back to help as soon as I can!"  
  
"Take your time, Joonmyun-ssi!" Jonghyun urges. "Supporting your friend is more important, I can handle things myself!"  
  
"Thanks, hyung! One more thing—can I borrow activity cart?"  
  
"You don't even have to ask!"  
  
Joonmyun thanks him again and wheels the cart filled with books, puzzles, and games into the elevator. He nervously jabs the button to the fourth floor, tapping his foot as the elevator ascends. He knows the layout of the hospital so well that he makes it to Luhan's room without any delay. His stomach swoops as he enters and sees Luhan's body tucked in hygienic white sheets.   
  
"Hi, Lu-ge!" Joonmyun says with a brave smile, even though his heart feels like is shattering to pieces.   
  
"Joonmyun-ah," Luhan rasps with a sleepy voice and bleary eyes. "You came!"  
  
"Y-yeah, of course! How could I not?" He pushes the cart to Luhan's bedside and pulls up a chair to sit beside him. Joonmyun carefully places his hand on top of Luhan's.   
  
"And what's this?" Luhan asks, eyeing the cart.   
  
"I brought you some stuff to help pass the time! We've got word searches, crossword puzzles, magazines, and lots of books! What kind of books do you like to read? We have mostly romance, but also some mystery novels–"  
  
He's interrupted by Luhan's quiet chuckle. "I'm getting discharged later today, Joonmyun-ah, I think I'll be fine."  
  
"How about a sudoku?" Joonmyun insists.   
  
"Fine," Luhan accepts with fond exasperation. "Thank you. Why don't you come into bed with me, Joonmyun-ah? I've been so lonely."  
  
Joonmyun pulls a packet of sudoku puzzles from a folder and sets it on Luhan's side table, placing a pencil on top. He gently settles himself on the edge of Luhan's bed so that his feet dangle an inch above the ground.   
  
"How are you doing now, Lu-ge?" Joonmyun asks, nervously bunching Luhan's sheets in his fists.   
  
"Better now that you're here."  
  
Luhan has had all night to seethe in self-hatred for messing up when he shouldn't have. He didn't tell anyone, but he had been getting up hours before the start of school to rehearse in secret. The doctor had ordered him to rest his ankle, but he didn't want to throw away a minute of rehearsal time, especially right before such an important audition. Everyone else he's competing with would be practicing, so he didn't want to put himself at a disadvantage.   
  
He tolerated the pain over the last few days because he knew that it would be necessary for him to chase his dream. Except, his body betrayed him. His body was out of his control, and it was the most terrifying, most frustrating thing Luhan has ever experienced. For Joonmyun's sake, though, he tries to put his anger behind him. Luhan wasn't aware of it before, but something about Joonmyun makes him want to be a better person. He thinks that he’s become a better person after falling in love with him. Luhan smiles and tugs at Joonmyun's shirt.   
  
"Come  _into_  bed with me," Luhan urges. Normally, Luhan would never allow anyone on his bed, but he can make an exception for Joonmyun. "Take your shoes off. We can share the blanket."  
  
Joonmyun reluctantly unties his sneakers and nudges them off. Luhan shifts to make room for him as he crawls under the blanket, careful not to jostle Luhan's legs. Luhan immediately hooks an arm around Joonmyun's shoulder and draws him closer. He kisses the corner of Joonmyun's mouth.   
  
"Good thing you closed the privacy curtain," Luhan muses. "I don't know if I would be able to keep my hands off of you."  
  
Joonmyun's heartbeat quickens at the feeling of skin against skin when Luhan slips a hand under Joonmyun's shirt to stroke the soft folds of skin on his tummy. Luhan touches Joonmyun’s skin gently, teasingly, hoping to brush just the right spot and make the younger boy squirm. He's successful.   
  
"Lu-ge," Joonmyun mutters, twitching away from Luhan's touch, "we can't do that kind of thing in a  _hospital_."  
  
"What kind of thing are you thinking about, Joonmyun-ah?" Luhan asks innocently. "I'm just tickling you."  
  
Joonmyun blushes in embarrassment, and Luhan fights the urge to gloat. It feels heartbreakingly familiar, the way that Luhan's hands wander, the way that his breath heats Joonmyun's cheek. It's almost enough to forget about what had happened the night before, and what its consequences might be.   
  
"But really, how are you?" Joonmyun asks seriously. "How did the surgery go? Are you still going to be able to dance with us?" He is also dying to know what became of the audition, but he's worried it might be too sensitive of a topic for Luhan.   
  
"I...I don't know if I'll be able to continue dancing with you guys. They had to operate on my ankle and on my knee, and I'm also concussed. I have to go to physical therapy a few times a week for at least half a year, but I'm not sure what happens after that."  
  
Luhan's voice is soft and nervous, and Joonmyun can just tell how troubled he is. He has never seen the older boy so vulnerable. Luhan has always been so cool and confident, but his self-assurance has clearly been shaken. Joonmyun wants to hold onto Luhan and tell him that everything is going to be alright, but he isn't sure if that is what Luhan wants to hear right now.   
  
Instead, Joonmyun leans into him and slants their mouths together, tightening his hold on Luhan's fingers. Their tongues touch, and Luhan pulls away with a smirk.   
  
"Kissing in bed?" Luhan teases. "What exactly are you trying to get from me, Joonmyun-ah?"  
  
"A kiss."  
  
He's so adorably literal that Luhan can't help but smile as Joonmyun goes for another kiss. When they part again, Joonmyun's stomach tightens because Luhan is watching him intently with a look that almost feels like scrutiny. It's the same concentrated look Luhan has on when he watches Joonmyun dance, an appraising look.   
  
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Joonmyun asks a little uneasily.  
  
"You're so beautiful, Joonmyun," Luhan answers simply. "I wish I could spend forever sitting in bed with you."  
  
"S-shut up." Joonmyun knows that Luhan is trying to make him blush, and they both know that he's succeeding.   
  
A knock on the door stirs them from their languid moment alone. Joonmyun shifts as if to get out of bed, but Luhan gently grabs Joonmyun's hand under the sheets.   
  
"Luhan?" a man calls out as he enters the ward.   
  
"Come in," Luhan calls back.   
  
The curtain rustles and parts, revealing a man and a woman. The woman is holding a basket of flowers, which she places on Luhan's side table. She smiles when she sees the two boys tucked in bed, side by side. Joonmyun mentally scolds himself for neglecting to bring flowers for Luhan.   
  
"I'm Song Qian," the woman says in introduction. "And this is Kim Kibum. We're recruiters from the performance arts institute. We watched your showcase last night, how is your recovery?"  
  
"Getting better," Luhan responds warily. He's nervous, and Joonmyun can tell.   
  
Kibum cuts to the chase. "I'm guessing that you're not going to be able to dance for awhile, right?"  
  
"Six to seven months at least before I can do any kind of physical activity," Luhan admits bitterly.   
  
The two recruiters exchange a significant glance.   
  
"We know that you applied for dance performance, but an injury like that..." Kibum trails off, "Your health is the most important thing to be concerned about, always."  
  
Luhan nods silently, feeling his throat constrict. He can just tell that they're trying to let him down gently. Not being able to say or do anything, Joonmyun rubs Luhan's knuckles to comfort the older boy the best he can. All of what's happening is way above him.   
  
"You choreographed most of the showcase, right?" Song Qian asks kindly. "And you arranged the music, too?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You are a very impressive young man," Kibum says. "We would love to have you at the institute. But frankly, your injury would make it impossible for you to enter as a dance performance major."  
  
Luhan nods again, feeling hot tears prickle his eyes.   
  
"However," Kibum continues, "we'd like to make you an offer. I know it's not exactly what you wanted, but we are inviting you to study music production and to be one of our student choreographers."  
  
"It's not the same as performing onstage and feeling the spotlight, I know," Song Qian adds. "But you have so much potential in these other areas, too. And, in the end, the artists behind the scenes are just as important as the ones onstage."  
  
"You don't have to decide right now," Kibum says. "We'll send you an official offer by mail, and you can decide then, but I really hope you will take everything into consideration."  
  
Luhan thanks the recruiters profusely before they leave, barely able to hold his tears back. When the curtain is pulled shut again, he buries his face into Joonmyun's shoulder and sobs until he's dizzy and lightheaded. Joonmyun doesn't know what to do, so he just rubs Luhan's back with one hand and smooths the older boy's hair with his other hand.  
  
"Are you okay?" Joonmyun asks gently when Luhan is sitting upright again.   
  
Luhan takes a shuddery breath turns to him with a teary smile.   
  
"I couldn't be happier."  
  
A patient transporter arrives to take Luhan to physical therapy, his first of many sessions over the next months. Joonmyun pushes the activity cart back to Jonghyun's office, where the physical therapist is finishing a phone call.   
  
"There you are, Joonmyun-ssi!" he exclaims. "How is your friend doing?"  
  
"I think he's doing okay. He got an offer to study at a school he really wants to go to," Joonmyun says, the corners of his mouth twitching up into a proud grin.   
  
"Wow, that's great for him! Tell him I said congrats!"  
  
"Sure thing, hyung!"  
  
"Also, speaking of offers—I have one for you. Our care unit is expanding, which means that more patients will be coming in, and I'll need a lot more help. I was just talking to my manager, who wants to hire a part-time worker. I told him that I already had someone in mind. What do you think, Joonmyun-ssi? Do you want to come here a few more times each week?"  
  
"As in...a job? A paid job?" Joonmyun asks in near disbelief.  
  
"Of course you'll get paid!" Jonghyun laughs. "You've done so much work for us already, it seems only natural that you should get paid for it. Your mother mentioned that you were interested in pursuing the health field, so this would be a great way to get even more experience!"  
  
"That sounds like a great opportunity, thanks hyung!"  
  
"Just talk to your parents about it, and let me know as soon as you can! It's completely up to you since it's such a huge commitment, but the patients really adore you, Joonmyun-ssi. While you were visiting your friend, they kept asking me where their Joonmyunie was. I think they like seeing you more than they like seeing me!"  
  
Accepting Jonghyun's offer would mean spending more time at the hospital and less time at the dance studio—if any time at all. But realizing how important he is to the patients he cares for is what ultimately sways his decision. Though Joonmyun loves to dance, nothing comes close to the satisfaction of bringing smiles to people's faces and of helping them out in difficult times. In the end, to Joonmyun, there's nothing more gratifying than getting recognized for being good at something he loves.   
  
  
  
  
With Luhan's physical therapy after school and Joonmyun's new job as an assistant recreational therapist, a new captain is needed for the senior dance company. An election is held, and Yixing is predictably chosen. Near the end of the school year, auditions are held for junior company members to move up to the senior company. Kim Jongin and a handful of other underclassmen progress, while Jongin's classmate Oh Sehun stays behind as the new junior captain.   
  
With Joonmyun out of the mix, the competition for next year's senior dance captain is between Jongin and Yixing. Jongin is better at choreography, while Yixing specializes more in freestyle. However, Yixing's advantage is in his charming charisma that ends up winning the hearts of his teammates once again.   
  
Even though they no longer see each other at dance practice, Joonmyun and Luhan still find ways to spend time with each other, if only for a few precious minutes each day. To Joonmyun's parents' delight, Luhan offers to drive Joonmyun to the hospital after school on the days that Luhan has physical therapy. They share kisses hidden in Luhan's car—blowjobs, too, when there is time to spare.   
  
Luhan never quite gets over his frustration of not being allowed to dance, but he immerses himself in composing songs and mixing tracks. He had never focused on writing music before, so he sees it as a chance to make up for lost time. But sometimes he gets into moods where all he wants to do is to rejoin his former members, even if it means hurting himself. The only thing that stops him from doing so is Joonmyun. Sweet-tempered, caring Joonmyun who urges him to take care of himself when Luhan is steeped in self-hatred.  
  
Summer arrives. Luhan graduates high school and learns how to walk again. The crutches he had begrudgingly used for the past few months are shoved in the back of his closet, and Luhan tastes the sweetness of independence. He never quite got the hang of using crutches and had ended up suffering months of clumsiness and bruised armpits. He still has a slight limp, but Joonmyun is patient and walks slowly when they're holding hands.   
  
Before he knows it, Luhan is parked on Joonmyun's driveway one last time the night before he leaves for college.   
  
"It's not that far," Luhan assures him when they're curled up on Joonmyun's bed together. "We'll only be a train ride away from each other!"  
  
"But still," Joonmyun mumbles. "You'll make new friends at your new school. You'll...you'll forget about me."  
  
"I promise you I won't," Luhan tells him, offering his pinky.   
  
Joonmyun reluctantly hooks his own pinky around Luhan's and squeezes. But his eyes are still dim, and the corners of his mouth are turned unhappily downwards.   
  
"Why don't we make some memories tonight," Luhan suggests with a lifted eyebrow.   
  
Narrowing his eyes at Luhan, Joonmyun gives a prim little scoff. Luhan smirks and toys with the hem of Joonmyun's shirt.   
  
"Well, Joonmyun-ah? Your parents won't get home for another hour or so."  
  
"F-fine."  
  
Joonmyun's heart flutters when he feels light fingertips lovingly dance across his skin. Luhan takes his time as he slowly undresses Joonmyun, then kisses and touches him everywhere except for where Joonmyun desperately wants to be touched. A hand trails along Joonmyun's bare inner thigh, and Joonmyun twitches when the hand stops just before reaching the base of his cock.   
  
"Joonmyun-ah, why don't you ride me tonight so I don't hurt myself by accident?"   
  
Luhan barely catches a mutter of "lazy" before Joonmyun is hopping off the bed in search of lubricant. He returns, and Luhan stares in shock at the bottle in his hand.   
  
"Did you go out and buy lubricant?" he asks, scandalized.   
  
"It's my parents'."  
  
"That's fucked up, Joonmyun-ah!" Luhan gasps.   
  
Joonmyun scowls, and his face reddens in embarrassment. He uncaps the bottle and dispenses a generous amount on his palm as he straddles Luhan's lap. He loosens himself with one hand and grasps Luhan's cock with his other hand. Luhan groans and tilts his head back when Joonmyun sinks slowly down onto him.   
  
It's Joonmyun who sets the pace this time, rocking and grinding his hips. They're face to face in this position, making it even more messy and intimate all at once. When they're not kissing, Luhan just watches Joonmyun's sweet, dark eyes and his flushed skin. He feels every pant, every hitch in Joonmyun's breath.   
  
Luhan keeps ahold of Joonmyun by the waist, and when he feels Joonmyun's muscles tightening under his palms, he knows that the younger boy is close to his release. He reaches down to give Joonmyun's leaking cock a few quick, short strokes, until he’s spilling between their chests. Luhan soon follows, and they collapse onto the mattress in a hot, sticky mess.   
  
Kissing in the shower makes it easy for them to pretend that there aren't tears streaming down their cheeks, though their shuddering chests say otherwise. But they pretend for a little longer until they're standing on Joonmyun's driveway as a light drizzle adds more droplets of moisture to their skin. Their goodbye is a brief, wordless hug—everything has been said and done. Joonmyun knocks twice on the hood of Luhan's car, and Luhan flashes his headlights at him before pulling away. Just like every time they say goodbye.   
  
On the train, Luhan is alone, just another anonymous face in the crowd. His suitcase is tucked between his legs, and his head is turned towards the window as he watches the suburbia of childhood zoom by. Just past the outskirts of town is an abandoned warehouse nearly consumed with moss and graffiti. The enigmatic phrase "what is and what could be" is spray painted on the side of the building.  
  
The words echo in Luhan's heart as he watches the skyline of his future emerge on the horizon.  _What is and what could be_.


End file.
